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Neah The Wanderer Of Heart. Ive been having some real trouble with my dad. My family are Christians (immediate family that is) but Dad twists verses meanings and takes some parts to extremes. It is very frustrating because I and my 2 older siblings read the Bible ourselves and dont believe God meant it the way Dad presents it at all. But my Dad is so stubborn, even when we try to reason with him, he wont even see where hes wrong. Hes worked half our lives, every other day all day, for as long as we kids have been alive. He retired early this year, and its been really hard to adjust because he dislikes the routines we all have, the way we joke around, and little things that are just annoying. Im 18, my brothers 20, and my sisters 24. Were adults, able to judge and think for ourselves. But he tries to force his beliefs on us, and we all get irritated and vent to each other some days. He is, frankly, rather controlling. He wont let my sister move out because he says its un-biblical, but my brother can.I respect his abilities and skills at fixing everything mechanical, plumbing, electrical, everything. And I respect the determination and discipline he has to get stuff done. But he is IMPOSSIBLE to talk to. He will generally hear us out part way, then interupt, and spend the rest of the time preaching at us. And if we say something wrong, hell spend allot of the time lecturing us. He doesnt relate to us and although he says he wants to and he seems sincere sometimes, he doesnt DO it. He doesnt listen and talk like a normal person. And because were all still adjusting to being with him all the time, we have habits that irritate him and vise versa. One minute hes determined and talking about stuff he has to do, and the next hes playfully whining. He thinks its funny when its actually REALLY annoying. And he gives us a hard time if we have an attitude or want to be left alone after a rough day, he just says we are supposed to be joyful always.The problem is, He is rather controlling, all of us kids resent his inability to accept us as adults and respect us, and my relationship especially, with him, is getting much worse. Even when I pray hard for a long time, to try my best to respect him, despite how he treats me and the others, (which sometimes infuriates me, though Ive always been good about keeping any anger locked up and not lashing out) I will walk downstairs and hell say something, or just give me a hard time, and Ill automatically say something, and then wince in my mind and say "thats what I need to stop doing", and hell retaliate, which only frustrates me more. He says all of us kids are very ungrateful and disrespectful, me especially. That is completely untrue, but he wont listen to reason, or us. But I have been more disrespectful to him than I mean to be.Because things have been getting worse over the months, Mom finally told me, if I dont start improving, I may get kicked out of the house. Im 18, I dont have a job, my parents pay for my clothes from salvation army, my food, my education at the community college, And quite frankly, I wouldnt make it out there. Ive been homeschooled and any kid that would be kicked out would be labeled pretty bad, and I didnt .. I didnt mean for any of that. Who would take me in? My grandparents? My good friend Mrs. Chaves? Or would I have to get a job, and apartment and struggle to live till I run out of money in my savings account? Dad already said something about "tough love" and not accepting me back quickly at all even if Im remorseful.To make matters even worse, ever since my old best friend betrayed and left me somewhere around 10 years ago, and then immediately afterward, all but 2 of my other friends moved away, I have lost all motivation and zeal for life. I spent allot of time in my room, thinking gloomy thoughts. I came to the conclusion, just as Solomon did, that life is pointless and worthless without God. And even with God, it is without a purpose. Whats my purpose? Dont have one. I eventually found happiness again in the 2 sister friends I had. I frankly was never close to God, even though I accepted him. I struggled with that allot this year, and eventually got closer to him, and have been trying to think and believe that he is first in my life as he always should have been. I also have rather low self esteem and very little confidence, and this summer I made best friends with a boy that made me stop feeling that way.But the truth is, I wouldnt be able to handle how hard life would be outside this house all at once. I would crash and.. well.. lets just say Ive had a bit (but not enough to concern Mom) of depression for years, and.. bad thoughts. If Im rejected from my own home, I will lose any feeling of love and worth from them that I had. And I may give up. If Im saved it doesnt matter anyway. My lifelong bestfriend and sister, and dog, Penny, died last year too.Im just falling apart and concealing it all. I conceal my pain and ignore my injury so that I may stay numb, trading my pain for emptiness, so that I wont feel or cry. But its slowly catching up to me. And I feel so very alone. I didnt mean to, and dont want to be this way.Please pray for me. my soul is dying silently. (and yes, I cried as I wrote this. Im still just a kid at heart, even if I am mature and 18.) 5 Years Ago Commit to pray Write a prayer for this person Share
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